That question

One should never ask him/herself the question when he/she is down:  If you knew your life would be like it is right now, would you have chosen to live?

When things were going bad at Wells Fargo, and I was having panic attacks about going home to Brian, Jess and Brian's ex's essence in our home, I felt my life was hell and out of control.  It was a passing thought to drive off the road at certain points.  It was a mere flicker of thought.  I knew I could not do it.

I went to counseling and figured out how to put some boundaries in place and things really sucked at times, but handing Brian over his problems and washing my hands of them was inevitably liberating. I never considered myself a control freak, but by trying to gain control of his life so mine would be more in control was what I had tried.

Now when I am alone, my thoughts linger back to those times when I could have just turned the steering wheel sharply and...well, my luck I would have lived, but in worse shape!  But I think of that point in my life.  If I knew that I would be 47 years old, have my master's, be living alone, unemployed with my children out of reach, I don't know if I would have kept that car on the road.

I think when I was a kid, I looked forward to being grown up.  I did not feel comfortable being a kid. I was too mature for other kids.  Everything I wanted to play imitated grown ups.  I hated sitting at the kids' table.  Now I feel like I am at the table all alone.  I am still uncomfortable with who I am, or perhaps my circumstances.

One thing that showed up in therapy with me, was that instead of showing my anger outward, I swallow it.  I project it inward at myself.  Perhaps that is the root of my depression.  Some people are angry at other people, or things or situations and they express it outward.  I come down hard on me.  It is difficult for people to be in the same room with the one they are mad at, and I have a hard time being in the same body as the one I am angry with.  Perhaps it will resolve itself.  Somethings gotta give!

Don't worry, I have no plan or intent to put an end to my life.  I could not do that to my family or friends.  Sometimes life slaps you down.  After getting up and being slapped down again, sometimes you just stay down and wait until it feels safe to come back up again.  I hope I get there soon.